Barbie T is More Complex Than She Appears!

Hi Chris,

We won't tell anyone else, but this arrived in the morning's mail, and I opened it thinking it was another government form. Seems BT is more than meets the eye.

Z
---

Dear Agent K,

I am truly sorry for all the trouble I caused you when I accidentally posted your last message to Facebook instead of sending it directly to you. Agents S and Y have given me a crash course in using e-mail, so it shouldn’t happen again.

I hope you are recovering from your injuries and will be able to settle nicely into your new identity and home. Too bad about Jean and the kiddies, but we all realize that the spy business is a rough one, and we have to be prepared to make sacrifices for the good of the Dominion. We can console ourselves with the knowledge that they have gone to a far far better place.

Jean (who now goes by the name of Rosalind) has fully recovered from her breast augmentation surgery and has been assigned to pose as ‘cover wife’ for Agent WD 40 in Hull. She reports that her new assignment is turning out just fine. Agent WD40 has really caught on to being a husband and is even coaching a midget team so the boys are able to play hockey every day after school. They all seem happy and content, especially ‘Rosalind’. She smiles all the time! She says to tell you she hopes you are feeling better and are not missing the body parts you lost in the blast.

Now, as to your new identity. Sources within the agency say you are fitting well into the persona of Sister Barbie Teresa, and we expect you will learn quickly under the tutelage of Agent PT109 (aka Sister Anne). They also feel you’re doing an exceptional job of learning to walk on your knees. We appreciate this extra effort on your part as it would have been difficult to convince the citizens of Funk’s Inlet that their new nun was the genuine article had she been 6’4”, as you were before your tragic incident. 4’11” is a better height for a nun, don’t you agree? As for your facial hair, the boys in the back room say it’s perfectly acceptable, but advise you keep it trimmed back with a pair of pinking shears. That should maintain the ‘natural’ look so popular in the progressive religious orders.

But, on to the real purpose of this missive! I must warn you that your arch nemesis Comrade Constantine is now ‘patrolling’ the streets of Funk’s Inlet in a green and yellow 1952 ‘Kiev Crusher’ model 534 garbage truck. He has obviously picked up your trail and is determined to finish the job he started in Siberia. Be careful what you do with your refuse - do not be lured into putting it at the curbside no matter what!!!!!

The Ruskies brought in the garbage truck by tugboat and barge all the way from the Aleuts, but as yet we do not know how Constantine managed to get back into the country after we evicted him last month. Good thing CSIS is on the ball - we called Canada Customs and arranged for them to meet the tugboat right at the dock! The Customs guys collected $34,000 in duties plus federal and provincial taxes on the tug and barge before they would let the Russian captain take off for home. Totally cleaned out the captain’s pocket money! Hahahahahaha!

Unfortunately since the truck was old Customs couldn’t collect taxes or duties on it, but CSIS did confiscate a barrel of contraband pickled cabbage from behind the seat! And we later sold the old rattle-trap to the Village so they’d have a garbage truck to use to service their new Provincially required garbage dump.

I tell you, it was a proud day for the force! We had one hell of a celebration when we got back to Ottawa! Shame you couldn’t have joined us. Jean, (oops!) Rosalind was there and looked absolutely stunning in a tight little blue number that really showed off her new.... Oh, but I'm being a naughty boy! We mustn’t talk about inter-departmental horseplay on the government’s nickel!

Anyway, we think your idea of a doing anthropological research on Funk Inlet is just swell, and will give you something constructive to do when you’re tired of swilling out the outhouse and taking confession. We’ll send you one of those 48 hour home-study courses (something from Athabasca U. ought to do the trick) in sociology. Hang the diploma on the wall and then you can pretend you’re doing some ethnology project or something of the sort. People like pretentious crap like that.

We’re depending on you man. Be careful. This message will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

Agent X