Barbie T is More Complex Than She Appears!

Hi Chris,

We won't tell anyone else, but this arrived in the morning's mail, and I opened it thinking it was another government form. Seems BT is more than meets the eye.

Z
---

Dear Agent K,

I am truly sorry for all the trouble I caused you when I accidentally posted your last message to Facebook instead of sending it directly to you. Agents S and Y have given me a crash course in using e-mail, so it shouldn’t happen again.

I hope you are recovering from your injuries and will be able to settle nicely into your new identity and home. Too bad about Jean and the kiddies, but we all realize that the spy business is a rough one, and we have to be prepared to make sacrifices for the good of the Dominion. We can console ourselves with the knowledge that they have gone to a far far better place.

Jean (who now goes by the name of Rosalind) has fully recovered from her breast augmentation surgery and has been assigned to pose as ‘cover wife’ for Agent WD 40 in Hull. She reports that her new assignment is turning out just fine. Agent WD40 has really caught on to being a husband and is even coaching a midget team so the boys are able to play hockey every day after school. They all seem happy and content, especially ‘Rosalind’. She smiles all the time! She says to tell you she hopes you are feeling better and are not missing the body parts you lost in the blast.

Now, as to your new identity. Sources within the agency say you are fitting well into the persona of Sister Barbie Teresa, and we expect you will learn quickly under the tutelage of Agent PT109 (aka Sister Anne). They also feel you’re doing an exceptional job of learning to walk on your knees. We appreciate this extra effort on your part as it would have been difficult to convince the citizens of Funk’s Inlet that their new nun was the genuine article had she been 6’4”, as you were before your tragic incident. 4’11” is a better height for a nun, don’t you agree? As for your facial hair, the boys in the back room say it’s perfectly acceptable, but advise you keep it trimmed back with a pair of pinking shears. That should maintain the ‘natural’ look so popular in the progressive religious orders.

But, on to the real purpose of this missive! I must warn you that your arch nemesis Comrade Constantine is now ‘patrolling’ the streets of Funk’s Inlet in a green and yellow 1952 ‘Kiev Crusher’ model 534 garbage truck. He has obviously picked up your trail and is determined to finish the job he started in Siberia. Be careful what you do with your refuse - do not be lured into putting it at the curbside no matter what!!!!!

The Ruskies brought in the garbage truck by tugboat and barge all the way from the Aleuts, but as yet we do not know how Constantine managed to get back into the country after we evicted him last month. Good thing CSIS is on the ball - we called Canada Customs and arranged for them to meet the tugboat right at the dock! The Customs guys collected $34,000 in duties plus federal and provincial taxes on the tug and barge before they would let the Russian captain take off for home. Totally cleaned out the captain’s pocket money! Hahahahahaha!

Unfortunately since the truck was old Customs couldn’t collect taxes or duties on it, but CSIS did confiscate a barrel of contraband pickled cabbage from behind the seat! And we later sold the old rattle-trap to the Village so they’d have a garbage truck to use to service their new Provincially required garbage dump.

I tell you, it was a proud day for the force! We had one hell of a celebration when we got back to Ottawa! Shame you couldn’t have joined us. Jean, (oops!) Rosalind was there and looked absolutely stunning in a tight little blue number that really showed off her new.... Oh, but I'm being a naughty boy! We mustn’t talk about inter-departmental horseplay on the government’s nickel!

Anyway, we think your idea of a doing anthropological research on Funk Inlet is just swell, and will give you something constructive to do when you’re tired of swilling out the outhouse and taking confession. We’ll send you one of those 48 hour home-study courses (something from Athabasca U. ought to do the trick) in sociology. Hang the diploma on the wall and then you can pretend you’re doing some ethnology project or something of the sort. People like pretentious crap like that.

We’re depending on you man. Be careful. This message will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

Agent X

Sister Anne's Prayers Answered!

Hi Chris,

Seems like I do little but send newspaper clippings, but between breakfast and psychic readings I am BUSY girl. Besides I knew you'd want to see a picture of Funky's soon-to-be newest nun. Woo-eee... no wonder this one "took the veil". I don't think Sister Anne will approve of the cigar. Sister BT may find herself broken of that particular habit in a hurry.
-----------

Funks’ Inlet Gazette

New Nun Coming to Funk’s Inlet

Sister Anne of the Mystical Light Mission announced Monday evening that arrival of a new Sister to Funk’s Inlet is imminent, ending Sister Anne’s long stint as the only local nun left alive after last summer’s killer bee and snake infestation which devastated the Mission’s teaching staff.

Our new Sister, Barbie Teresa, pictured here in her previous office, comes to Funk’s Inlet from a posting in Boola-Borro, where she has been working on the ‘Send a Postcard to Saint Francis and save Boola-Borro’s Blue Barking Snails’ campaign.

Sister Barbie Teresa is described as devout and pious, totally dedicated to helping the poor, nearly extinct, and pitiful. Only last month she received a special Canadian’s Award of Commendation from Prime Minister Stephen Harper for ecological service above and beyond (and best of all - outside of Canada’s borders) the call of duty.

She will assume her post as Ecological Counselor at the Mission of Mystical Light immediately upon arrival. A welcome tea will be held at The Green Egg Cafe on Friday evening next so that Funk’s residents can meet and get aquainted with their new Sister and speak with her of the ecological wonders of Boola-Borro.

No admission will be charged but attendees are asked to bring pulltabs from aluminum beer and soda cans as the Mission is collecting them to exchange for a Jeep Cherokee, and is still 3,499,999 shy of the total needed.

Village Hires Sanitary Engineer!

Hi Chris,

This story continues to have legs! From this morning's paper. Also take a look at our Russian. He's quite the looker!

-----

Funk’s Inlet Gazette
Russian Granted Political Asylum!


Yesterday morning, Mayor Peter Pecksniff, reeking of rotten tomatoes and month-old baloney sandwiches, stood up during Village Council meeting and resigned his post for the third time over the continuing garbage crisis. He reported that Mrs. Pecksniff has gone to visit her sister in Victoria and will not return until someone else can be found to take over the Village’s newly established garbage route. Pecksniff said that this is not the first time Funky’s garbage has caused tragedy to strike the Pecksniff home. He is of course referring to the unfortunate and untimely death of his first wife, who fell out of her dinghy while dumping the day’s garbage and was eaten by a shark.

Council voted to buy the 1952 ‘Kiev Crusher’ garbage truck recently seized by Canada Customs from itinerant Russian truck and pickled goods smugglers. Since he already stinks, Mayor Pecksniff was selected to hose the pickled cabbage out of the truck. Council promised to step up its efforts to attract a Sanitary Engineer, but so far has had no replies to any of the advertisements placed in newspapers in the larger centres.

In a related issue Boris Constantine, the Russian mink-trapper who was not blown off-course and ended up steering in the wrong direction and landing in Funk’s Inlet just last week, stood and asked for political asylum, suggesting that if he was allowed to stay he would happily clean the truck and assume the position of Village Sanitary Engineer, stating anything was better than trapping mink in the Aleuts for a living. Council immediately accepted his offer and granted him asylum.

Pecksniff admitted after Council meeting that while the Village has no legal right to grant political asylum, they do so out of desperation, in order that Funk’s Inlet might comply with the new Provincial ‘No-Dumping-At-Sea’ law.

Sanitary Engineer Constantine has already assumed his duties, and for the time being will make his home in the truck as he says it is larger and more luxurious than his apartment in Siberia.

Village Council and the Mayor sent e-mail to Mrs. Pecksniff in Victoria with the news that a garbage truck has been bought and a permanent Sanitary Engineer has been hired. Mrs. Pecksniff has reportedly booked a bench on the next scheduled supply ship, which should give the Mayor time to air the house and scrub out the station wagon.

The Day's Haul

Hi Chrissie,

We made the paper today! I'm not sure what we are going to do with it, but read for yourself...

----
Funk’s Inlet Gazette

Mink Trapper Blown Off-Course Survives Desperate Journey!

Mama Zubotica, owner and cook at The Green Egg Cafe, was startled Friday morning when she opened the door to the Cafe and found a cold and very hungry Russian huddled on her doorstep!

The Russian, a Muscovite-transplanted-to-the-Aleuts, says he had been tending his mink traps, traveling from island to island in his two-man Zodiac when a spell of unaccustomed calm weather caught him unprepared. He reports that he alternately bailed and paddled for 11 days, living on pickled cabbage and inhaling fog, until he ran aground in Funk’s Inlet.

“I only know how to steer to compensate for gale-force winds,” Boris Constantine explained to this reporter, while wolfing down two dozen fried eggs and a plateful of buttered biscuits. “When the wind dropped I was so confused I steered in the wrong direction. I did not want to come to Canada - but now that I’m here - Please don’t send me back to Mother Russia. I will do anything to stay !”

The Village Council and Mayor Pecksniff went into into an emergency session Friday afternoon to consider the Russian’s fate.

Fill Your Tuesday Evening!

Funk's Inlet Gazette

Coming Events Section

A lively debate is promised this coming Tuesday evening at the Funk's Inlet High School Auditorium, when Sister Anne and one of E. "Bob" Kitankaboodle's First Canadian Forebears square off on the topic... "If this isn't Heaven are we Bound for Hell?"

Jointly sponsored by the Funk's Inlet Theosophical Society and the Student Council of Funk's Inlet High School, the limits of free speech are sure to be tested once the audience is invited to comment at the conclusion of our guest speaker’s presentations!

Tickets may be purchased at Kitankaboodle's Marina, Art Gallery and Health Spa, Poo Poo Platter's Perm & Tanning Salon, or Sister Anne's Mission of Mystical Light. Seniors and students are free. All others $12.50. A buffet of finger foods will be served immediately following the debate, courtesy the Green Egg Cafe.

And after the Debate!
( No matter who Wins!)

By Special request of Chief Bear - Who - Turns - Right

All-You-Can-Eat-Northcoast-Buffet-Special Only $8.99!

Crab Cake with your choice of Braised Kelp or Tlingit Moss Sauce

Herring Roe with Oolichan Grease

Octopus tentacles in 'Magic' Mushroom sauce

Abalone fritters

Fishhead Soup

Halibut Cheek

Limpets in Cedar sauce

Salmon Steak

Sea Cucumber Salad

Kelp Lasagna

Fiddlehead Greens

Thimbleberry/Salmonberry/Blueberry Pie
|
| - Assuming there is anything left after the food fight-
|
| Catering by The Green Egg Cafe
|

Speaking of the Oozie!

Further Greetings!

Yesterday when I told you of the dock-side conversation about Oozie the purported sea-monster of Funk's Inlet, I didn't know the "backstory" so to speak. But a large entire-front-page story in the Gazette this morning reveals all. Put your coffee down and alert the grey matter. This one has more hairpin curves than the highway between Lillooet and Cayoosh Creek.

---
Scandal Erupts!
Sir Enzyme Claims Sea Monster Skeleton a Hoax !

Infamous Cat-Eating 'Oozie' Alleged to be Missing Chicken!

Louella (Busty) Arzenfluffin, of the noted Arzenfluffins of FUNKS INLET, gazed in rapture at what may prove to be conclusive paleontological evidence of the existence of "Oozie", British Columbia's answer to Scotland's "Nessie" and Lake Champlain's "Champy". "It looks like a real sea monster to me!" Ms Arsenfluffin asserted after receiving a letter from Sir Dr. Weistwind Enzyme, Curator of the Lord Primordial Fusty Collection of Curiosities and Antiquities, Museum of Humanities, Victoria, BC,

While experts of the British Columbia Fish & Game Department earlier dismissed the mushed skelton as an amateurish fraud "Looks like a common roadrunner's head & shoulders have been grafted to a buzzard's behind!" scoffed Rodney Fillededown of BC Fish and Game to this reporter only days ago), but many of FUNK's INLETs own claim this to be almost a holy relic, worthy of annointment as a Canadian National Tourist Shrine.

Discovered about 10 years ago among some surplus World War II burlap bags by a local mechanic & practising Shaman, the tiny curiosity resides in the mudroom of the FUNK'S INLET Volunteer Fire & Rescue Hall.

Sir Dr. Weistwind Enzyme, Curator of the Lord Primordial Fusty Collection of Curiosities and Antiquities, Museum of Humanities, Victoria, BC, announced today that DNA examination and radio-carbon dating of the supposed 'conclusive paleoentological evidence' dredged from the mudroom of the Funk's Inlet Volunteer Fire and Rescue Hall, and believed by many Funk Inlet residents to be proof conclusive of the existence of the Inlet's famed but seldom seen sea monster, 'Oozie', is no more than the slightly squashed skeletal remains of a very large chicken.

Funk's Inlet mayor Peter J. Pecksniff, conceded that now that he's had time to think about it, the mixup of the chicken's skeleton with the legend of the 'monster' is possible, seeing that a local resident kept as a watch-fowl and psychic-medium a genetically aberrant featherless rooster named Cacklemeister for a number of years in the '60's. The chicken dissappeared under suspicious circumstances during a box-lunch held in the Fire Hall in 1967.

This same party was supposedly disrupted when the Funk's Inlet amorphous legend 'Oozie' appeared on the doorstep, lured by the fragrance of oolichan grease sandwiches and Big Rock beer. "No one actually *saw* Oozie," the Mayor admits, " but there were a series of unusual noises outside the Hall which the partygoers were too afraid to investigate, and in the morning a two-metre wide slime trail led from the doorstep of the Hall down to the dock."

"When the chicken failed to return from his evening stroll, we all assumed that 'Oozie' had eaten him," the Mayor claims. "And over the years, as the story was retold over a few beers, the skeleton we discovered among the burlap bags in the mudroom the following spring became linked to Oozie. After a few more springs and a few more pints it *became* Oozie.

Perfectly natural mistake," Mr. Pecksniff alledges, staunchly denying that there was any deceptive intent on the part of Funk Inlet's 375 residents. "Oozie is serious business around here," Pecksniff asserts. "Not something we take lightly or joke about. Indeed 'Oozie' ate our beloved founder's favorite cat in 1947! One minute the cat was happily sunning itself on the gun turret of Jack's float plane, the next she had disappeared down the maw of the ferocious sea monster."

The Bear Turns Right

Hey Cuzz!

I ran into Everett Kitankaboodle on the dock this morning, doing a dance that gets rid of bunions for one of the fishermen. His long-deceased g.g.grandad 'The Bear Turns Right', who is Ev's spirit guide and still quite the story teller and ladies man, was sitting on the end of the jetty smoking something "medicinal", watching Ev do his thing and singing along. He remarked during a pause that it's almost time for the Funky's Ooze monster to resurface, as it does every 40-50 years.

Mad Jack and Ling Wong have told stories about the Ooze monster for years. They claim it used to haul itself out on the rocks to sun when they first arrived in the Inlet, but once all the refugees arrived it sank back to the bottom and no one has seen it since. After recovering a bit from the exertions of the bunion dance Ev sketched out a "picture" from Jack and Ling's description.

To tell the truth no one has ever believed them but Everett says 'Oozie' is a mainstay in the folklore of his people. Old Bear agreed, even adding a few details for Ev's sketch. I'd never heard old Bear speak of it before, as he generally prefers Desperate Housewives to Kitinkaboodle legends. But they all seemed pretty worked up about it and it would be interesting to see what the monster has done with the half-century of Spam cans, plastic peanuts and bilge water we've rained on its head.

I had my camera with me, and took a picture of Ev's sketch, as well as one of the docks, which I will include. Alas, no actual photograph of Oozie, but maybe next time! LOL Hoping this finds you well and in fine monitorary mettle!

Zelda

Pecksmith Resigns Again as Garbage Crisis Continues

Hi Chris,

Another post drawn from the front page of the Gazette. :)
This is getting right exciting. Who would have expected high-voltage politics at Village Council level?
-------

Mayor Peter Pecksniff resigned for a second time in 24 hours at an emergency meeting of Village Council called last night due to the Village’s continuing garbage crisis.

Council meeting was interrupted by shoe-throwing and a violent spitball battle when the Mayor revealed that no one had been found to fill the new position of ‘Sanitation Engineer’. The only applicant, Biggers the Sasquatch, was rejected by the Village legal council when it was revealed that he had recently filed a complaint with Worker’s Compensation Board as the result of a tree falling on him during a logging operation.

With the deadline only hours away the Council declined to accept Pecksniff’s resignation and, above his protests, appointed him interim Sanitary Engineer until a more suitable applicant can be found and hired. He left the meeting flushed with anger and made no comment which is suitable for inclusion in a decent publication.

All Village residents are asked to have their garbage bagged and at the ‘curb’ by 6:00 am. every morning as Mayor Pecksniff must be able to complete his garbage route and still have time to go home and bathe before he opens the Village Office at 8:00.

Garbage Crisis in Funky

Hi Chris,

Lunch crowd just arriving but I absolutely had to pass this along, taken from this morning's paper. Got to admit I'd forgotten how "scenic" the Inlet gets when the tide turns and brings the day's dumpings right back onshore.

Love,
Z
---------------------

Funk’s Inlet Gazette
Garbage Crisis in Funk’s Inlet

The Funk’s Inlet Village Council was thrown into an uproar this morning when Mayor Peter Pecksniff resigned after revealing the contents of a letter recently received from the Provincial Minister of the Environment, Tolly B. Griddle.

The Provincial government’s new "Coastal Waters Protection Act" states that:
"No Coastal British Columbia community may, from the 30th of this month, dump its refuse at sea. Due to the declining health of fish stocks all Coastal communities must provide daily garbage pickup and must establish and maintain a recycling centre and a landfill. Failure to do so within the alloted time frame will result in a fine of not less than $10,000 per day per unestablished dumpsite. Mayors of such communities as do not comply will be held personally, financially and morally responsible for all documented deaths at sea of herring, salmon, blue-eyed marlin, smelt, hairy-finned gopher strainers and Japanese trawler crews."

Funk’s Inlet residents have always dumped their garbage in the Inlet without provincial interference, so this directive came as a complete surprise until this paper’s owner/editor remembered that the Honorable Minister's wife recently received 10,000 shares of ‘Sharit and Glover Garbage Trucks of Canada Inc.’ as a birthday gift.

The Council declined Mayor Pecksniff’s resignation, and voted to look for a used garbage truck. A budget of $800 has been set aside for this purchase. Council also voted to set aside as the site for the new garbage dump a hectare of village property directly across from Amalgamated Shoe and Amusements, since the smell of the refuse will improve the air quality by partially negating the smell of the tannery (not to mention the odour of the amusements).

Home At Last!

Hi Chris,

Sorry, I’ve been so busy helping Mama in the cafe and catching up with everyone, I've hardly have time to keep up with my e-mail!! I know I promised to keep in touch, and I will, once things settle down. Since there's a herd of you to write I set up this blog, and I promise I'll try to post a little every day, even if it's just an article from the Gazette. In the meantime bear with me!

I know you said you can't go home again, but I wish you could have come home too - I didn’t realize how much I’d missed being here, talking with mama, looking out the window and seeing the boats and floathouses bobbing around in the water, watching the shark fins circle in the Inlet. It’s like I can really relax for the first time in years.

Not a lot has changed - I swear this place is in some kind of time warp. Everyone we knew as girls is about the same as they always were - except now that the fish are just about gone, and logging old-growth forests is politically incorrect everyone is desperate to find a way to put Funky on the map and make some money from it.

Crackpot is still prowling the floor of the inlet looking for treasure, Mad Jack’s still flying (at 92!), and Ling Wong is still up to his old tricks. He pinched my bottom yesterday while I was pouring tea for him, and then he grinned so hard his I swear his teeth squeaked.

His Honour Peter J. Pecksniff is still plotting to move up the political ladder (God help us!), and Sister Anne and Reverend Oral Ardent Shameless still argue the finer points of theology over a pitcher of Molson’s every Saturday night.

Funky's always been in its own little world - and I don’t want it to change. Just as badly as everyone here wants the world on their doorstep I want things to stay the same - just like the day we arrived. We changed Funky, just by being here, and I’d like to think we changed it for the better ... but there I go getting sentimental again...

Keep in touch kid, you know my e-mail address! Mama sends her love.

Love,
Cuzzin Zelda